.jpg)
When I was having a panic attack at a wedding and didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I ate eleven cookies while a woman I didn’t know talked to me about the sociology of K-Pop.
When I was bamboozled and drunk and took a bite of a pizza crust, because pizza crusts are usually safe, and I like to imagine that they report back to my stomach so my bile and its flour can reminisce all about the pizza-proper and how, sure, crust-sauce-cheese made a delicious ménage à trois, and they had a good run, but ultimately the crust was happier now that it was independent, and it’s thinking about starting a podcast that invites third-generation Americans to come and talk about their racist grandparents’ favorite holiday dishes, but then it turned out the crust had egg in it.
When I paid extra for a vegan brownie at a local cafe but the barista gave me the cheaper, not-vegan brownie, and after I ate half of it I had a WAIT A MINUTE moment, so I asked if it was true, did she really give me the non-vegan brownie? And she said yes, oh my God, I’m sorry, yes, here, take a vegan brownie, take TWO vegan brownies, I’m so sorry! And then I ate both a vegan and non-vegan brownie, which resulted in a tummy ache.
When I spent four months drinking milk stouts, because I didn’t think they actually had milk in them. (Is that really so unreasonable? Shouldn’t the alcohol cause the milk to curdle?)
When I wear my Doc Martens, but, to be fair, I had those before I went vegan. Plus they make me look cool.
When I gently bite my dog’s ear to assert dominance because that’s what Cuba Gooding Jr. did in his wildly underrated slapstick tour de force, Snow Dogs (2002).
Honorable Mentions:
Even though I'm technically an adult, I still gnaw on the skin around my fingernails, which is a kind of self-cannibalism and falls into a vegan gray-area.
Sometimes, when I brush my teeth, there’s a lot of blood in my spit. I’m not ethically bothered by this, but do you think I should be worried? I’m too embarrassed to ask any of my friends.